Tales From the Trenches: 9 Funny Stories I Couldn't Make Up

OK, different strokes for different folks.

One day, his father comes in. We sat down and chatted, and he had a request: “If my son ever does anything unusual with the account, would you please let me know?”

Thinking about the card cutting, I asked him what he considered unusual. He answered: “If my son decided to withdraw all the money, that would be unusual.”

So I replied: “OK, if your son does anything unusual like withdrawing all the money, I will let you know.” He left the office.

Afterward, I felt conflicted. He defined unusual as emptying the account, but I would think that cutting cards as part of the investment decision-making process was quite unusual.

I was wondering what I should do when shortly afterward I learned some news. His father had fallen off a ladder while changing a lightbulb in his business and was killed instantly. The account became the son’s, and I did not need to take this matter any further.

You Would Never Make It in Retail

Another client was a business owner with several store locations. This was also in the days when municipal bonds were popular and brokerage offices still accepted cash deposits. Trade settlement was T+5 days and there were times the client couldn’t get into the office, so an advisor would meet at home or office to collect payment.

I had visited this client at one of his stores. In payment, he pulled out a large amount of cash and handed it over. I counted the large bills very carefully. He smirked and said: “You would never make it in retail!”

The Full Name of the Internal Revenue Service

I had another client who owned a restaurant. He was European and spoke with an accent. When we would talk about investments, he would buy only municipal bonds. When I engaged him in conversation, he would rail against the Internal Revenue Service.

It was at that point I learned that the full name of that agency was “The IRS – Those bastards!” He would never mention the IRS without those additional descriptive words.

The Client Concerned With the Stock Market

I had another client who bought bonds. At that time, investors might have a “stock guy” and a “bond guy.” People often took delivery of their securities in certificate form. I had a client, we will call him Jerry. Although people might invest at other firms, I was confident we were his only firm.

He was a guy who could get nervous. One day, he called up. “Bryce, I am really upset about the stock market.” He stopped talking.

Instead of immediately trying to explain the market’s recent activity or get him thinking long term, I said: “Jerry, I don’t understand why you are upset about the stock market. You don’t own any stocks.” All of his investments were in municipal bonds. 

As I recall, he was fine after that. 

They Are Having Trouble Over There

I had a married couple as a client who were diversified. They owned both municipal bonds and stocks, the former in individual bonds and the latter in equity mutual funds. The firm was making the case that clients should diversify their equity holdings internationally, so I was making the case over lunch.

When I suggested we buy some international stock funds, the husband stopped me and explained: “Don’t you realize they are having problems over there?” Apparently, everything beyond the American coastline, everywhere else in the world, was “over there.” No international investing for them.

Not the Manager

The days immediately following the 1987 crash were chaotic. No one had seen a decline that deep and fast before. People suffered financially, some more than others. There were some tragic stories.

It was said, somewhere in the United States, that a client who had lost a lot walked into a branch office of a major firm, pulled out a gun and shot the manager. People across the country were stunned.

In our office branch office, one of the advisors suggested that we should have a couple of dozen T-shirts printed up with large lettering reading: “NOT THE MANAGER.”