These Are Your Guilty Pleasure Cars

Photo: Steve DaSilva

Minivans FTW.

Owning a minivan means it’ll fit. What will fit? All of it. All of it will fit. Which is the excuse that people give for owning a truck, but having a van also means none of your “friends” are going to ask you to move furniture or tow a trailer for them 2-3 times a week. They see “van” and think “full of kids”. Their loss.

Do you mostly do cargo hauling? Get a cheap-ass Grand Caravan. Those seats all disappear into the floor. Hard plastic interior that you don’t care if it breaks or gets dirty. I keep a rolled-up 8×4 rubber mat in the van and haul trash to the dump. A van is so, so much easier to get tools and construction/DIY goods out of than a truck. That load floor is knee-high. Your stuff is locked up. And it all fits.

Want something a little nicer? I paid $10K for one with leather trim, power everything, DVD system, heated seats and steering wheel, power pedals, and a built-in 110V system. You can get a $50K Pacifica, Sienna or Carnival that will rival the luxury of a Lexus.

Sliding doors = the best doors. Except for power sliding doors. Those are even better.

“Yeah, but minivans are slow and drive like ass”. Well, ok, yeah, I’ll give you that one to a point. They drive like SUVs. But they don’t drive like your mom’s old Windstar. The GC is fine. It rides fine. It handles fine for its size. It has 285 hp and will do nice little FWD burnouts when trying to merge out of the Costco parking lot. That amount of power means you can still do 70mph easy with six people inside.

And one of my favorite things about owning a grey minivan is that everyone just ignores you and no one expects anything out of you. It is the strongest “I don’t have to prove anything” statement you can make. You have achieved peak DAD, even if you don’t have children. A guy getting out of a big truck, or a Jeep, or a Mustang? He’s still trying, just a little bit, bless him. Not Minivan Dad. He is done with everyone’s bullshit. Let him pass in peace.

I’m a firm believer in minivan superiority, particularly for long road trips. You shouldn’t feel guilty about loving these, they absolutely rule.

Submitted by: dbeach84