The Money Keeps Moving, In A Circle

Photo: Jose Luis Pelaez Inc (Getty Images)

Everyone hates getting traffic tickets. All that time pulled over on the side of the road, the stress of having to deal with cops — it’s all too much. Thankfully, a brilliant startup promises to change all that, by illegally installing invasive cameras everywhere and using unreliable AI to issue tickets.

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Oh, wait, that wasn’t everyone’s issue with speeding tickets? It’s not just the inconvenience, but the actual fine that’s the issue? Well, damn. If only Flock had someone like CitronC around to help them out in the ideation phase.

This is, really, how the U.S. economy works. Drivers get speeding tickets, which are used to fund cops. Cops spend that money on surplus Humvees and MRAPs, which are then eventually abandoned and sent to municipal auctions. At those auctions, regular people purchase these massive military machines, and use them to get more speeding tickets — and thus the cycle continues.

Without any step of this cycle, the entire military-industrial complex — the very fabric of the United States economy — begins to tatter, fray, and fall apart. Speeding tickets hold a role in our economy not dissimilar to that of bees in nature: unloved, but wholly necessary to the proper function of the ecosystem. Without them, everything slowly begins to wither and die like un-pollenated fruits, vegetables, and flowers.

Congratulations, CitronC, on your Comment Of The Day win. Here’s a favorite driving track of mine, the core song in a drum and bass playlist that was entirely coincidentally playing on my car stereo when I got my last two speeding tickets. I will neither confirm nor deny whether that playlist is or is not titled “Exceeding The Posted Limit.”

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