Stop Being Horny For The Cars

Photo: Ferrari

The Ferrari Roma Spider is, by most accounts, a good-looking grand tourer. With more than 600 horsepower and a zero-to-60 time in the low three second range, it’s undeniably quick, and apparently, it’s quite fun to drive. What it is not, however, is a sexy, curvaceous Italian that’s finally gone topless. Talking about cars like they’re women you want to have sex with is weird and creepy. So stop it. We do not fuck the cars.

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You’d think that sexualizing inanimate objects would have died off years ago, but unfortunately for those of us who have to hear or read the things horny car weirdos put out into the world, it has not. If you’re guilty of doing this, it’s OK. Just stop it from now on, and we’ll forgive you. Well, maybe not, but we’ll at least stop yelling at you.

Go outside. Touch some grass. Have an actual conversation with an actual woman. Please. Get a life. Maybe even have consensual sex with an actual person. If I can do it (more than once, even!), it can’t be that hard. Just, like, practice basic hygiene, buy some clothes from Target and don’t be a creepy weirdo. You can do it. I believe in you. You can even have sex in a car. It’s not encouraged, but if you both still live with your parents, we’re not going to judge.

If you refuse, though, at least put your money where your mouth is. Go full-on My Strange Addiction and actually fuck your car. That’s it. Those are your two options. If that’s too weird for you, then maybe you should consider that talking about cars the way our friend Nathaniel talks about his is creepy and weird and something you should stop.