Speaking up is not easy but can be crucially important, here’s how to do it skillfully

Have you ever found yourself wanting to tell others you have been misunderstood or mistreated, but fearing speaking up could create hard feelings (even bad blood) in the end? Well, we have all been there.

The truth of the matter is, that life is full of moments where the only way you can avoid falling victim to a misunderstanding is by speaking up and telling your side of the story. Yes, it takes courage to speak up and skills to prevent (or lessen) the awkwardness that can follow.

But by taking the unpleasant step of speaking up, you avoid the unfair perception that the misunderstanding would otherwise create, the continued mistreatment that others wrongly believe to be a non-issue to you, and the eventual outburst when you can take it no more.

In this Pacific Prime Singapore article, we’ll explore a few ways of speaking up for yourself and others. As you’ll see, mastering the art of speaking up softly yet firmly, will pay off in spades.

1. Acknowledge a bias

If you find yourself the likely subject of a common bias – whether that bias is about age, skin color, sexual orientation, or any other personal aspect – there are different ways to go about dealing with it.

At one level you can opt to gently name the bias upfront, so that others are reminded not to jump to conclusions. A member of the visible minority advocating affirmative action for the same group, for example, could begin by telling he is doing so not because he belongs to that group, but because this is the right thing to do. The beauty of this tactic lies in the fact that once you acknowledge the bias, you are not on the defensive anymore.

True masters, on the other hand, will take this practice to another level altogether – when asked about his advanced age and suitability for the office of President of the United States in a televised debate, Ronald Reagan famously vowed that he would “not make age an issue in [that] campaign”, and that he would “not exploit, for political purposes, [his] opponent’s youth and inexperience”. Even his challenger couldn’t resist laughing, and Reagan went on to score a landslide.

2. Begin with a question

Sometimes you can gently state a different view simply by beginning with the question “are you open to another perspective?” This simple question does the magic by preparing the listener for a disagreement. When the element of surprise is taken out, the disagreement is also smoothed out.

When the listener, as he most likely will, responds with a “yes”, he is also inviting you to speak your mind freely – and you are not to blame even if that hurts. Even in the unlikely event that the listener declines, your mere mention of “another perspective” will still have made it known to the listener that you are not in total agreement with him.

A similar, albeit more subtle, way to make known your disagreement or disapproval is with the question, “I am not sure I follow what you mean, can you say more about that?” Many people will rethink what they just said when they hear this, and more likely than not, they will tone it down by the time they restate their view.

3. Do it the proper way yourself

The greatest teachers teach not just in the classroom, but also by the way they hold themselves. One of the most effective ways of speaking up is by setting an example of yourself and letting others learn by observation.

One reason why this works so well is that it prevents personal egos from getting in the way. Very often, when people are told how to properly conduct themselves, they will (either consciously or subconsciously) refuse to totally comply, because doing so would amount to admission to the existence of a hierarchy of which they occupy the lower rungs.

That’s why when you are not addressed with proper courtesy, instead of calling it out, it is a good idea to properly address somebody else with similar personal attributes as yours and put a slight emphasis on it.

Doubtlessly, this is easier said than done because the opportunity to “teach by example” may not come about soon enough or even at all. Where this is possible, however, teaching by example is often appreciated even by the subject, and you will be admired for it, particularly in this age where direct confrontation is the norm.

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