No Stones, But Plenty Of Sticks

Photo: Mint Images (Getty Images)

I’m never one to yuck anyone else’s yum. If you’ve got something you’re into, that doesn’t hurt anyone else, go with god — have all the fun in the world with it. But today, finally, a Penn State professor discovered a kink that makes even me shudder and cringe: Branches.

Nascar Champ Ryan Blaney On NASCAR: Full Speed

Themis Matsoukas was caught on video, in the words of our own Collin Woodard, “sticking a tree branch up his ass.” Just sit with that image for a moment. Picture it. Imagine the feeling. Now, I’m guessing, your response will be much like liffie420 and tallestdwarf:

Sticking something in your ass comes with rules, you see. Whatever’s going up there should be clean, it should be smooth, and by god it should have a flared base. A random stick you found on the ground meets none of those criteria — it’s about as perfectly wrong for the situation as you can get. Do not try Professor Matsoukas’ antics at home. Or at your local park.

We have items purpose-built for this use case! There are plugs, toys, a whole market of objects meant to go in your various holes. You buy them online or in that store by the train tracks with no windows. Tree branches, as you may have noticed, come from neither of those places — they come from the trees where animals live; or the ground, where other animals live. Not exactly sanitary, or safe, or even reasonable to use for stimulation.

Congratulations, liffie420 and tallestdwarf, on your Comment Of The Day win. Here’s a track about a tree that, while still not ideal, would likely at least be more safe to shove up your ass. Just, if you try it, don’t come crying to me when it goes poorly.

Radiohead – Fake Plastic Trees