McDonald's Encourages Kids To Drive Dangerous Old Cars Without Airbags Or ABS

From Grimace to Cosmc to the Hamburgler, McDonald’s has really been embracing its old McDonaldland characters lately. Its latest marketing stunt uses the latter, claiming that after the fast-food restaurant updated its burgers last year, they’re so delicious that the Hamburgler is planning “the ultimate burger-stealing heist.” And to pull it off, he’s driving a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda known as the Burgercuda.

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Considering McDonald’s liberal use of yellow and red, we have to say, we’re surprised the Burgercuda looks as good as it does. Even the McDonald’s badge on the front grille is tastefully integrated, which is a welcomed surprise, as is the Burgercuda badge behind the front wheel. Dare we even say the Burgercudea looks good?

Inside, the Burgercuda gets some yellow accents on the seats, but it’s still a much more restrained affair than we would have expected from McDonald’s. Then again, it’s not like the Hamburgler is the most colorful character in the McDonaldland universe, and the interior generally reflects what he wears.

Photo: McDonald’s

As far as the promotion itself goes, McDonald’s says it’s giving away free burgers to anyone who catches the Hamburgler driving around their city. There will be a code that you can scan to receive your prize, and somehow that will help McDonald’s stop his ultimate burger heist. You know, a pretty standard marketing stunt.

Or is it? Could there be something more nefarious going on here? Hmmm? The Hamburgler is a thief who drives a 1970 muscle car. You know who else is a thief who drives a muscle car from 1970? Dominic Toretto. And just like Toretto, the Hamburgler should also be in prison for his crimes. Clearly, McDonald’s is trying to turn the Hamburgler into the latest cool car-driving anti-hero.

The question is, why would McDonald’s do this? What if I told you it’s because McDonald’s is anti-family? McDonald’s wants a cool, hip Hamburgler to convince your kids that muscle cars are so cool, they’ll rush out to buy them while ignoring the complete lack of safety features. And then McDonald’s will have them exactly where it wants them.

Where will that be, exactly? What will McDonald’s do with your children? I can’t say for sure. I just know there’s a conspiracy here, and it’s only a matter of time before we figure out what it is. And whatever it is, it’s definitely nefarious. You’re not getting away with this McDonald’s.