I Have Become The Thing I Hate: Why I Bought A Big Diesel SUV

You can’t cross the same river twice. The river is always flowing and what you define as you is constantly changing. It’s not the same river, and I am not the same man. I have long held an anti-SUV stance and vowed I would never own one, but I guess things change. I hate to admit it, but this Porsche Cayenne is a pretty good daily driver. I’ve given up my wagon, exchanging the keys for a decade-old German hauler. I have become the thing I have campaigned against for years.

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Let’s rewind a little bit and explain how I ended up here.

Back in 2019 I had a grand plan to renovate a little Scamp travel trailer for nomadic cross-country living. Then 2020 happened and we decided it wasn’t the best idea to travel and effectively live out of truck stop bathrooms. A short while later I moved across the country for a job. After dumping way more money into that project than I care to admit, ultimately we tried using the Scamp for a handful of weekend camp trips, and it proved itself just way too small for our needs. Scrap that idea, moving on.

Image: Bradley Brownell

As 2023 came to a close, my wife and I decided that it was probably time to revisit the cross-country travel idea, but we would absolutely need something bigger. A bigger camper—definitely one with a bathroom and a queen-size bed—would mean the Buick Regal TourX’s 1,000 pound towing capacity would no longer do. No, we needed something that could comfortably haul at least 6,000 pounds, which pretty much precluded anything but an SUV or pickup truck.

We haven’t bought the camper yet, but we have narrowed it down to a handful of models and we’ll look for whichever is the best deal. Initially I wanted to do the cool-guy thing of getting an Airstream, but because I want to be able to bring a motorcycle along for the journey, that’s a no-go. Ugly ass toy hauler it is.

Image: Bradley Brownell

Anyone who knows me realizes I’m a simp for Porsche, and even though I’ve groused about the Cayenne for years, it’s definitely still the best vehicle in its class. Considering towing capacities, fuel economy, and long-term value (things I don’t normally consider when buying a car,) and weighing them against cool-factor, the Cayenne was pretty much the only thing on our shopping list. I don’t think I’ll ever be a pickup truck guy. After a short search, we found a black/black example locally with 75,000 miles on the odometer for the princely sum of $21,000. I wanted a color, but it seems these only came in white, black, or silver.

From the off I knew it would be impossible for me to leave well enough alone. I don’t do stock cars, and immediately set to modifying our new-to-us Cayenne. It wasn’t fitted with a tow package from the factory, so I bought a used hitch bumper and bolted it on. I had the local dealer install a trailer brake controller and program the trailer light control unit to talk to the car. The option sheet for this vehicle included the GTS-style gloss black exterior trim package, which made the chrome fender and hatch badges look totally out of place, so we ordered fresh black badges and a black Porsche emblem for the hood.

Image: Bradley Brownell

I can’t abide stock wheels on anything, and there are incredibly few OEM fitment wheels that I didn’t hate. I have had this set of seventeen-inch custom-finish Braid Fullrace T Dakar Beadlock B wheels kicking around for a little over a year. They were intended for a different project that fizzled out, and thankfully clear the brakes of a Diesel, so I bolted them up. This might sound weird to some, but I have owned about a dozen Porsches over the last ten years, so my garage is practically packed to the rafters with 5×130 fitments.

Akron, Ohio’s own Mickey Thompson makes a chunky Baja Boss tire that is the exact same rolling diameter as the factory 21-inchers I took off. I’m not saying I bought a whole Cayenne because I already had wheels and tires that would fit, but that’s not not the reason.

Image: Bradley Brownell

At the end of the day, I will own up and admit that I was wrong. The Cayenne is pretty good, and I appreciate having it in the stable. These midwest roads are a little too rough to drive a sports car every day, and it’s nice to have a bit of ground clearance and thick sidewall. We’re in the middle of some home renovation projects, and come spring we’ll probably be looking to hit the road, so this big black tool does the job pretty well. That it regularly returns 35 miles per gallon on the highway [I’ve seen as high as 43!] is pretty impressive, too.

I have a few more modifications I’d like to finish up before I can call this project “done” but I’m not going crazy with this one. I won’t put a lift kit on it, and I’m not going to wrap it or get it painted. I just want a good solid car that my wife and I can drive for a few years, tow without issues, and occasionally take on a light off-roading trip. So far it looks like this will accomplish that.

Maybe y’all were right. Maybe SUVs are pretty okay.