Does Anyone Want To Give Me $3 Million For The Perfect Live-In Shop?

Lots of people out there have dream homes, the sort of ideal dwelling they’d stay in forever if they could just scrape together the cash to afford it. Me, I’m not so fancy; my tastes run simpler — I’d be happy with a plain old one-bedroom apartment. It just needs to be above a shop space, where I can keep workbenches, tools, a drill press, a table saw, a lathe, a mill, a set of quickjacks, air compressor…

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Improbably, that setup actually exists — right here in Brooklyn, even. During a standard late-night industrial real estate window shopping spree (a totally normal thing that everyone does), I stumbled across my ideal dwelling. A garage door, an unfinished workshop space on the first floor, and room above to live and sleep. It’s perfect, save for that pesky little $3 million price tag.

Look at what you get for that money, though. The first floor would make an ideal workshop, with ample room for tools, benches, and even vehicles. You could make a mini version of Adam Savage’s cave in here, and it wouldn’t even be too cramped — so long as you moved the display area up a floor. Think about all the little projects that could be completed here.

Upstairs, there are two floors of office space, which admittedly appear to lack such small luxuries as “showers” or “a kitchen.” This can all be remedied, though. It’s one kitchen, Michael, how much could it cost to install? A thousand bucks?

There is one other pesky detail with this building, however: Zoning. Currently, it’s only zoned for industrial use, meaning you can’t just move in and call it a day. Don’t worry, though, I have a plan for this. I’m going to go on Etsy and buy some sort of really shiny crystal, then give it to Eric Adams while saying that this lot “just really has mixed-use vibes, y’know?” I imagine this is all it’ll take to get a zoning change rubber-stamped.

So, sharks, I’m asking for $3 million for a zero percent stake in this building, which I just want to buy and live in and not use for any commercial purpose whatsoever. I just want a place to build things, and also to stop paying rent. Is that so much to ask?