Maybe Don't Leave Your Wallet In A Car You Stole

Screenshot: WKRN

There was a time at some vague point in the past when, if you wanted to commit a crime, you had to be smart about it; make a disguise, adopted a fake accent or secured a safe house and trusted fence who could sell your stolen merchandise. Not anymore, it seems.

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Take, for example, Antioch, Tennessee’s Ronald Alexander. He was recently arrested for stealing a green Kia Soul, WKRN reports. Stealing a Kia is kind of a cliche at this point, but you’ve got to start somewhere while you build up your skills if you ever want to successfully make off with a rare Ferrari collection the night before the auction. He’s clearly still in the process of pulling himself up by his bootstraps. What I can blame him for is not just getting caught but the way he got caught.

According to the news report, police responding to a report of a suspicious vehicle found the Soul with the wrong license plate. Swapping out the real tag for a different one was definitely a smart move, but that’s only a temporary solution. You’ve gotta get that car to the chop shop ASAP, buddy. Still, there was no way to tie the car to anyone in particular. It was just a car parked on the street.

Except, actually, there was. Do you know how the police connected Alexander to the crime? He left his gat-dang wallet in the car, complete with his ID. Are you kidding me? That is not appropriate car theft behavior. That’s not even appropriate car-that-you-own behavior. What’s next, are you going to tell me he left his phone in the car, too, complete with a video of him planning the crime with his friends?

Personally, I blame the owners of boxing gyms that double as fronts for criminal enterprises. They’re not even properly training young recruits anymore, and it absolutely shows. Are they even still recruiting in the first place? Everyone knows that if you don’t mentor vulnerable kids, you end up with an entire generation of incompetent thieves. Absolutely ridiculous.