What Car Will Be The New Nissan Altima?

The Nissan Altima is, reportedly, dying. For most of us, this is yet another salvo in the crossover’s ongoing war against classic three-box sedans — a shame, but not any kind of out-of-the-blue tragedy. For a specific group, though, this is a true horror: Terrible, terrible drivers.

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The Nissan Altima is known far and wide for the batshit maneuvers pulled by its owners. They’re rarely seen in one piece, but often found speeding down the highway at approximately 800 miles per hour like they’re invincible. The average Altima driver, and the average Altima, is not bound by any laws of god or man.

But when the Altima dies, what’s left? What car will take up the mantle of World’s Worst Drivers? Is there any single make and model that can succeed such terror, such horrors unleashed upon American roadways? If so, what?

The easy guess is the Rogue, though the driving dynamics of such a big vehicle may interfere with the usual Altima weaving methodology. Honda’s HR-V is a smaller, lighter contender, but I think its Civic-esque interior is simply too nice to do Altima Shit in. You’re comfortable in an HR-V, and who weaves through traffic at 100 when they’re comfortable?

Infiniti makes a strong play for the crown — the Vee Cue Boys, in their G35s and G37s, are already the closest living relative to the Altima Driver — but Infiniti’s sedans are too expensive. No, I think another car will take the throne: the Toyota Corolla Cross.

It’s cheaper than the Altima, lighter too, but can be had in the same AWD layout. Its front end, with its surfeit of black plastic, looks crash-ready right off the showroom floor. It seems like the perfect successor to the Altima Driver.

But what else could take the title? Do you think one of the other cars I mentioned has a better claim to the throne? Leave your picks in the comments below, and I’ll look through them in a couple of days.