Cocaine Sharks Are A New Reason To Be Terrified Of Florida

Photo: Charles Krupa (AP)

These days, the list of reasons to stay out of Florida feels like it grows longer by the minute. But even if you take politics and stifling summer heat out of the equation (as hard as that may be), there are still plenty of reasons to be afraid of Georgia’s dingleberry. Florida Man and Florida Woman could be lurking around any corner, as could alligators, an abundance of venomous snakes and even mosquitos carrying malaria. Now, though, you can add a new fear to the list — cocaine sharks.

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Tampa Bay’s Fox 13 reports that marine biologist Tom Hird believes there’s a good chance that sharks have been eating bales of cocaine that have been dumped off the coast of Florida to be picked up by smugglers. Even if you’re not already scared of sharks, the idea that there are sharks out there higher than the Empire State Building on cocaine should still be terrifying. Although, for now, it doesn’t sound like Hird has actually observed any sharks eating bales of nose candy.

But just because it hasn’t officially been observed doesn’t mean there isn’t evidence that it has happened. Hird reportedly traveled to Florida to investigate the possibility after he heard from a number of fishermen who claimed to have witnessed sharks eating floating bundles of blow.

In addition to observing odd shark behavior during a dive, he also teamed up with University of Florida environmental scientist Tracy Fanara to drop fake cocaine bales into the ocean. When they did, they reportedly saw a number of sharks swim up to the bales and take bites of them, with at least one grabbing the whole thing and swimming off with it.

While it’s entirely possible that Florida sharks aren’t doing cocaine, now that we’ve heard it’s a possibility, does anyone believe it’s not actually happening? That the sharks are all sticking to their DARE pledges and refusing to go skiing when it’s sitting right there in front of them? For free? Really? There’s no way.