Mercedes Wants to Help You Bang in the New Maybach EQS

The 2023 Mercedes-Maybach EQS SUV was officially revealed today, making 649 hp and 700 lb-ft of torque. And to justify its “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it, pal” price, it also gets an incredibly opulent interior. Reclining executive seats come standard with little pillows for your comfort, and there’s even an option to add a calf massage feature. And, apparently, it will also be your wingman if you need a little help sealing the deal.

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You’d think that information would have been featured right at the top of the press release, but no. To find it you had to take a deep dive, past the part that says, “In the digital instrument cluster, the needles of the speedometer and power gauge are designed like a silk scarf that moves elegantly in the wind according to the speed and driving style.” And you also have to read past the 368 words Mercedes devoted to its use of vegetable-tanned leather. But it’s definitely there.

Don’t you want to hike up your dress and climb over this only to climb back over it four minutes later?Photo: Mercedes-Benz

In between the paragraphs about the HEPA air filter and the Burmester 4D sound system sits this little gem: “An extraordinary and luxurious fragrance, called No. 12 MOOD Ebony, was specifically created for the Mercedes-Maybach EQS SUV. It does not aim to please but to seduce with an exclusive composition of stimulating sandalwood combined with notes of spices.”

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I don’t know how to read that any way other than that Mercedes created a fragrance specifically to make your passengers horny. Although, like a typical Maybach owner, it does not aim to please. Only seduce. How Mercedes created such a sexy scent, we’re still not sure, but now we have to know what it smells like. Chocolate and oysters? Fox pheromones and Curve?

Also, while we admire Mercedes going out of its way to help you make the beast with two backs, I do have questions about the logistics of getting it on. After all, even if you don’t mind your driver getting the full show, the console that divides the rear seats doesn’t exactly seem conducive to coitus. And is it even possible to climb over into the other seat without knocking over the champagne flutes on your quest to knock boots?

If there’s a will, though, I’m sure there’s definitely a way. Especially with the help of No. 12 MOOD Ebony, the official scent of banging in the back seat.