Blood Drive Is The Cars Prequel: CONFIRMED (?????????) (Maybe?)

Blood Drive is a new TV show on Syfy which is essentially based on the premise of a world where cars are fueled by blood, and not petroleum, because blood. We had some questions about how such a transportation would work, and now, we have answers. And one of them might be pointing straight at the Homunculus Theory.

After seeing our original blog full of queries about Blood Drive, NBCUniversal got back to us in an email with some answers in the guise of Heart Enterprises, the fictional in-universe corporation behind blood-fuel technology:

First and foremost, thank you for your interest in Heart Enterprises BLOOD DRIVE Technology. As a pioneering team in the field of bio-organic-gore-fuels Heart Enterprises knows how easy it is for our work to be misunderstood. Our team was heartened by such passages as, “In a world where the oil has run out, surely humanity has learned its lesson about finite resources, and has turned to a more sustainable fuel. Blood, being constantly produced by all animals, is virtually limitless, with new blood being created all the time.”

Finally. A publication that gets us.

And in furthering our attempts to “get” the world of Blood Drive, we do believe we have found the point at which the canon of the show begins to line up with the canon of Pixar’s Cars, which is the Homunculus Theory.

Or rather it posits a variant of the Homunculus Theory, as first theorized by our own Jason Torchinsky. The hard science of it is too esoteric, academic, and complex to get into here, but this excerpt from the original scholarly text should suffice as a breakdown:

The answer is simple, and, yes, disturbing: the humans are the cars.

Well, more specifically, there actually are human beings inside the cars, and are the source of the car’s personality, intelligence, everything. The mechanical car is just the external body of these human-derived creatures. I call this the Homunculus Theory.

In a nutshell, the cars of Cars aren’t just automobiles with human-like characteristics, but rather, they are humans themselves, both trapped within and fully integrated with their own machines such that the distinction between Man and Car-beast is forever blurred.

But what if the Homunculus Theory just needs a slight tweaking? What if the Cars universe wasn’t an organic outgrowth of humanity and its love for the automobile, but rather the result of an intentional monstrosity?

In its answers to us, Heart Enterprises appears to be implying precisely this sort of situation:

Maybe the blood isn’t burned, but rather carries oxygen to break down the bonds of glucose molecules in order to extract energy, much like it does in humans?

Heart Enterprises experimented with this approach but experienced some difficulty when our cars developed consciousness and the capacity for speech. The scientists had to put so many human organs under the hood to make them work it was just a matter of time before the cars evolved into a species of their own – homo automobilius.

A few of our researchers developed surprising relationships with their test vehicles – one of them started a podcast with a modified Honda CRV. Our top minds considered the cars living, breathing beings full of life, love and ambitions.

All of the prototypes were crushed to make room for our new line of BLOOD DRIVE Vehicles.

And if cars had emotions, and feelings, and podcasts, then we don’t see how this doesn’t lead to the universe of Pixar’s Cars.

The Homunculus Theory (variant), CONFIRMED.

MAYBE.

SORTA.

PROBABLY NOT.

Anyways, here’s the rest of NBCUniversal’s answers to our questions:

Dear Jalopnik,

Recently, here at Heart Enterprises, our attention was drawn to an article appearing on your site. “Blood Drive: I Have Questions” by Michael Ballaban.

First and foremost, thank you for your interest in Heart Enterprises BLOOD DRIVE Technology. As a pioneering team in the field of bio-organic-gore-fuels Heart Enterprises knows how easy it is for our work to be misunderstood. Our team was heartened by such passages as, “In a world where the oil has run out, surely humanity has learned its lesson about finite resources, and has turned to a more sustainable fuel. Blood, being constantly produced by all animals, is virtually limitless, with new blood being created all the time.”

Finally. A publication that gets us.

As a measure of our gratitude we wanted to take a moment to answer a few of the questions from your article…

The engines appear to still work on an internal combustion system. How do they burn the blood?

We can’t give away all of our secrets but we can say that 100% organic human blood is chock full of oxygen-rich hemoglobin – an all-natural accelerant.

Does anyone know the energy density of blood?

Yes. We do.

It can’t be as much as gasoline, right?

No, but blood is far more readily available so it’s a six of one, half-dozen of the other situation.

Cars probably have bigger fuel tanks for all this blood they gotta carry around, no?

Current model Blood Engines are equipped with a three-gallon tank, a little more blood than you’ll find in two human bodies. It’s not huge but that’s still three more gallons than you’ll find in a Tesla.

Maybe the blood isn’t burned, but rather carries oxygen to break down the bonds of glucose molecules in order to extract energy, much like it does in humans?

Heart Enterprises experimented with this approach but experienced some difficulty when our cars developed consciousness and the capacity for speech. The scientists had to put so many human organs under the hood to make them work it was just a matter of time before the cars evolved into a species of their own – homo automobilius.

A few of our researchers developed surprising relationships with their test vehicles – one of them started a podcast with a modified Honda CRV. Our top minds considered the cars living, breathing beings full of life, love and ambitions.

All of the prototypes were crushed to make room for our new line of BLOOD DRIVE Vehicles.

If the blood is transporting oxygen, does it work like a mammalian circulatory system?

I’ll answer your question with a question. Have you ever seen a mammal fart exhaust flames?

If it does, don’t cars now need a liver, kidneys, and all sorts of other fun organs?

A liver is for filtering alcohol out of the blood and that’s the LAST thing we want to do.

Wouldn’t this imply that cars have digestive systems as well?

No, Jalopnik. Cars do not have digestive systems.

Do the cars poop?

Wow. No.

What happens to all the car poop?

Okay, you’re being disgusting.

I thought we made cars because we got tired of horse poop in streets?

I thought we made cars because we got tired of our cup holders just sitting there.

Is there a method for collecting the waste and further turning it into energy?

You guys have a sick mind. Seriously.

Are you sure this show shouldn’t just be called Horses?

And bring the wrath of PETA down on our heads? Heart Enterprises has a little more sense than that.

If cars are just horses, is this technically a Western?

Maybe. So what? So was BREAKING BAD.

Why bother with cars then?

Are we really getting this question from a car blog?

Why blood?

Because we didn’t have any luck with corn.

We still don’t know what this has to do with cars being powered by dicks, though.