New Rezvani Vengeance Looks Ready to Crush All the Pedestrians

Image: Rezvani

Are you a wealthy former Blackwater contractor who wants a full-size luxury SUV but think the Cadillac Escalade looks too feminine? Are you a member of the Three Percenters who fantasizes about running over BLM protesters and thinks Tucker Carlson’s rhetoric doesn’t go far enough? Do you have $250,000 to spend? Then, boy, does Rezvani have the SUV for you.

It’s called the Vengeance, and it looks exactly the way you’d expect any SUV with a name like that to look. Like the manufacturer would offer factory Punisher and Blue Lives Matter graphics packages for it. And yes, Rezvani offers an armored version for those who think they need it.

Image: Rezvani

Something tells me most buyers will think they need the armored version. After all, Antifa is literally burning entire cities to the ground.

But if you’re already spending a quarter of a million dollars, why settle for the Escalade’s naturally aspirated V8 when you could upgrade to the V’s supercharged V8? I mean, after all, you’re worth it. If you’re more of a diesel fan, though, don’t worry. Rezvani offers the Escalade’s diesel option, as well.

Image: Rezvani

And while the exterior is a wild departure from what you get with the regular soy boy Escalade, the interior of the Vengeance looks pretty standard Cadillac. It’s not completely stock, but it’s pretty close. If you want real customization inside, you’ll have to spend $125,000 for the executive seating package. That gives you two reclining rear seats, a bar, a driver partition, a TV, iPads, Apple TV, and your choice of either a starry night or overhead light headliner. Fancy.

Unfortunately, Rezvani watermarked the only image I could find of the executive seating package. So sorry about your eyes.

Image: Rezvani

Thankfully, Rezvani left the Escalade’s tech and features in place, including automatic braking. So at least it’ll be a little harder for owners to clear out the bike lane when they get frustrated.

As for the military package, it’s got everything a second civil war advocate could want. Bulletproof glass and body armor. Military-grade run-flat tires. Underside explosion protection. EMP protection. Thermal night vision. Bulletproof vests and helmets. Strobe and blinding lights. An intercom system. Magnetic deadbolts. Gas masks. A pepper spray dispenser. You can even deploy a smoke screen with the push of a button.

Image: Rezvani

At $95,000, the military package is an expensive option, but I’m sure if you’re already spending $250,000 on a Sigma Male Escalade, it’s worth the cost just for peace of mind alone. And if that’s not enough for you, don’t worry. $4,500 gets you a custom rifle compartment. Make sure to read the fine print before you reserve one though. That $1,500 is non-refundable.