America's Freeways Under Assault by Italian Food

A tractor-trailer loaded with jars of Alfredo sauce dumped its cargo all over a freeway outside of Memphis, Tennessee, just in time for the Tuesday evening rush hour, the latest salvo against American commuters by malcontents using Italian food as their weapon of choice.

Oh sure, you might think it’s just a coincidence that this crash happened just one day after we saw 50,000 pounds of tomatoes scattered across a California freeway which traffic turned into Satan’s marinara. Wake up, sheep. There is a messy assault happening this week on America’s freeways, and the weapon of choice is Italian food. We are experiencing delicious weapons for quiet wars.

The spill happened on I-55 outside of Memphis and shut down all three northbound lanes and one southbound lane, WATE reports. Police did not comment on the cause of the crash, though the driver was taken to a local hospital for life-threatening injuries. There’s also no word on just how many jars were lost, but video of the accident indicates it was a heck of a lot:

Crash of sauce-hauling semi shuts down Interstate 55 in Memphis

To be clear: I’m not blaming Italians for this mess, but whatever sick, shady low-carb cabal committing these acts sure wants us to think it’s Italians. They want drivers to connect the satisfying sent of garlic to long commutes and shuttered infrastructure. The whole thing is a false flag operation. It’s all so twisted.

Well, I won’t be a part of their dastardly plan for America. My eyes are wide open.