I Have Created the Greatest Apple Car Rendering Yet

Illustration: Andy Kalmowitz

When I was a little kid, I drew cars all the time. They were garbage. I couldn’t draw to save my life. Now though, things have changed. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: my Apple Car.

It seems like every single day there’s a new Apple Car rendering being released by someone who has no idea what they’re talking about. I, however, have the inside scoop. You see, on this website, I may be known as Andy Kalmowitz, but in the real world, my name is Tim Apple. Yes, that Tim Apple.

Let me show you around the concept.

Illustration: Andy Kalmowitz

We’ll start up front with the boring stuff. It’s got headlights. Friggin’ DOT making all these rules. Behind that, we’ve got sort of a horseless carriage type of thing. There’s an exposed driver compartment with a covered rear passenger compartment.

I’m no good at drawing people (unlike cars), so I had to go with worms as representative figures. The Apple Car is meant to be autonomous, but because that technology isn’t even close to existing, the buyer has to settle for a biological driver. (You’ve gotta pay them $30 an hour. It’s in the terms and conditions you really should have read before purchasing.) There’s even a spot up front for a worm-friend, should your driver get lonely.

The rear passenger (worm with good hair) sits isolated, enjoying their morning coffee and reading the paper like it’s 1986.

The Apple Car isn’t powered by any sort of liberal-ass electric motors. Hell no. It’s got the Mopar Hellcat V8 making 707 hp and 650 lb-ft of torque. That engine is rear-mounted, and produces so much heat there’s no need for a heater core. There is an apple core, of course, but I’m not gonna tell you where it is.

This masterpiece gets 3 gallons to the mile, just as God intended. It runs on a staggered wheel setup: 38 inches at the front and 62 at the rear. This is the only place the rendering falls apart, as those wheels are not to scale.

As for the overall exterior dimensions of the Apple Car, let’s just say: Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.

Making the Apple Car even bigger is the stem/antenna at the top. It’s 6 feet tall so that you can hear everything. Want to know what everything is? Too bad, go to hell.

As for price, the Apple Car is more than you can afford, pal. Look for reservations to open sometime in the mid-2040s.